Self-confidence is overrated!

Self-confidence is often viewed as a necessary ingredient for success, but in reality, it is not something that can be given to us or that we can obtain. It is a mindset and attitude that can be developed through taking action and learning from our experiences. We must recognise that our view of self-confidence is often filled with misconceptions and that success is independent of it. Instead of focusing on self-confidence, we should focus on our goals and expected outcomes and take action, even if we don’t feel confident.

I recently had an awe-inspiring conversation with someone as she celebrated some significant changes she’d made in letting things and people go. She felt safe and empowered and like she could breathe again. However, there was one thing she was not yet taking action on, and she commented that she was struggling because her self-confidence was “just not there yet”.

Sounds reasonable enough. At first, I agreed with her, but I realised that this was a very subtle trap we all might occasionally step into.

As a coach, there were some questions worth asking.

What is self-confidence, really?

Where do we get it?

Do we really need it to be successful?

According to dictionary.com, self-confidence is “confidence in one’s own judgment, ability and power”. It resides in what I believe I can or cannot do or accomplish.  

Our view of self-confidence typically includes one or more of the following beliefs:

1. We believe it comes to us from somewhere – we get it, or it’s given to us when we are encouraged and recognised for our success or performance?
2. If we do take responsibility for creating it, we typically want it to be ‘complete’ or ‘perfectly’ in place before we step out.
3. We believe that without it, we will never be able to do ‘this or that’.
4. We think others have more of it than we do – we can see it! “I wish I could get there”.
5. We judge it by how we feel about ourselves.

The reality is that none of these is absolutely true.

1. The first part of the word indicates where it resides – in SELF. Consider your immediate response to a compliment? I bet it’s some version of “Do I truly deserve this?” “Am I that good?” Or “If they only knew”.

That’s because we filter any compliment or recognition through our own (existing) self-belief. We have such a hard time accepting recognition and encouragement we are unlikely to be able to add it to our belief of ourselves inherently.

2. How much is enough? How do you know you have enough confidence? When have you used affirmations, gratitude, vision boards, or planning enough to ‘ensure’ success? The truth is our success cannot be ensured. You set a goal, underestimate what it will require, then have to change the plan (not the goal necessarily) and take another swing at it.

The more of a ‘stretch’ the goal is, the more likely things will not go 100% to plan! Big goals will have more moving parts, e.g., requiring a bigger team, and the chances for obstacles and surprises increase exponentially.

3. What we believe we are capable of is what creates self-confidence. We can’t wait to achieve to be confident. Self-confidence is, by definition, “realistic confidence in one’s judgment, ability, power (dictionary.com)”. So sometimes we need only believe that we can learn if we don’t know yet, that we can grow to become stronger and better and have potential – we don’t need the proof of the results, we need the belief in the possibility! Taking action is a choice we have.

4. We can’t see anyone else’s self-confidence; we ONLY see their actions. We cannot see how confident they felt when taking those actions. Never compare yourself to others, and especially not to your assumption of what is inside others.

5. Self-confidence is a mindset, an attitude which is simply a habit of thought. Dallas Willard said: “Feelings are good servants, but they are disastrous masters”. I like to say it this way: Kids are welcome to drive with us in the car, BUT we would never put them behind the wheel! We cannot let our feelings decide our actions. Our goals or expected outcomes are what determine our actions. We will have to act, even if we don’t feel confident.

 Our feelings indicate that there is something we should pay attention to. If we feel “sad, mad or scared”, we can look at why that is, how we can reframe and then choose to take action.

If we feel “joy, peace and power”, we can observe where we find ourselves and strengthen those neuropathways, making it easier for us to get into that mindset as a matter of choice.

 Ultimately, we don’t ‘get or receive ’ self-confidence; we create it through our thoughts and inner conversations. We will also erode it by the same methods.

My recommendation is the following:

What we choose to do, brings success, significance and meaning. Action, regardless of whether we feel self-confident (or courageous or any other positive feeling), leads us to achieve the goal of personal significance to us.

Will you always feel confident before you take action? Maybe not, but will that matter if your actions bring results? Taking action will get the results, and from the results, we can reinforce our belief in our abilities.

We don’t need self-confidence to achieve our goals, we need to act, regardless of our feelings, and that is how we develop our belief in our own abilities. 

In conclusion, let us all strive to develop a mindset and attitude that allows us to take action and learn from our experiences rather than focusing on self-confidence. We can never know the outcome of our actions, but we can always learn from it. Remember, self-confidence is overrated; it is all about taking action.